I’m proposing a new holiday. Or rather, a new use for an old holiday. I believe that we should make Thanksgiving the day when we celebrate elder wisdom by asking older people to tell us their advice for living. Here’s why.
Occasionally, the question runs through younger people’s minds (whether they admit it or not): What are old people good for? Our society’s unremitting ageism portrays older persons as sick, frail, unproductive, and even the culprits for busting the federal budget.
Earlier retirement and increased residential separation of older people has broken age-old contacts between the generations. Indeed, our society has become extraordinarily segregated by age, such that young people’s contact with elders is almost exclusively within the family (and even that is limited). Combined with the persistently negative images in the media, this question - What good are old people? - lurks in the background.
But the answer is amazingly simple. For as long as humans have been humans, older people have played critically important roles as advice-givers. Indeed, anthropological research shows that survival in pre-literate societies was dependent on the knowledge of the oldest members. It’s easy to forget that it is only in the past 100 years or so that people have turned to anyone other than the oldest person they knew to solve life’s problems.
Now here’s the important point: Old people are still a unique source of advice for living for younger people. And we need to tap this source much more vigorously than we are currently doing — both for young people’s sake and that of our elders. That’s why I’m proposing that we make learning elder wisdom a part of our families’ Thanksgiving holiday.
We often do ask our elders to tell their life stories. But that activity is very different from asking their advice. You don’t just want their reminiscences; what’s truly valuable are the lessons they learned from their experience and that they wish to pass on to younger generations.
Now for the holiday. Thanksgiving is something most Americans celebrate, regardless of religious persuasion. And it’s the one time in the year when families are most likely to gather — and include their older relatives. What if we all take a half hour (okay, it can be before or after the football game) to consult our elders about their lessons for living?
Your children are the best ones to start this conversation and they can ask questions that are highly relevant to them. Is Sammy concerned about bullying? Some elders (especially immigrants) were ferociously bullied as children. Is Pat concerned about finding the right partner? You have elders who have long experience in relationships, but who are rarely asked for their advice about them. Are your college kids worried about the job market? If so, how about advice from people who went through the Great Depression?
Remember that this is different from asking Grandpa “What did you do in World War II?” or Grandma “What was life like in the Depression?” The goal is to genuinely and interestedly ask for advice: “What lessons for living did you learn from those experiences?” Taking this approach elevates the role of elders to what they have been through most of the human experience: counselors and advisers to the less-experienced young.
Give it a try on Thanksgiving (and let me know how it went!). Here are some questions to get you started; it can help to send these in advance to your elders so they can ponder them a bit. We’ve used these questions in interviews with hundreds of elders in theLegacy Project, and they work very well). More information is available in thebook 30 Lessons for Living.
So let’s declare Thanksgiving (or a part of it) Elder Advice-Giving Day. Our elders won’t be here forever, so this year is a good time to start!
Questions for the elders:
What are some of the most important lessons you feel you have learned over the course of your life?
Some people say that they have had difficult or stressful experiences but they have learned important lessons from them. Is that true for you? Can you give examples of what you learned?
As you look back over your life, do you see any “turning points”; that is, a key event or experience that changed over the course of your life or set you on a different track?
What’s the secret to a happy marriage?
What are some of the important choices or decisions you made that you have learned from?
What would you say you know now about living a happy and successful life that you didn’t know when you were twenty?
What would you say are the major values or principles that you live by?
“Weak”, “sick”, “immobile”, “decrepit”, “lonely”, “depressed”. If the prospect of growing old brings thoughts like these to mind, you are not alone. It seems that many people – of all age groups – have a preconceived idea of what being old will be like. And it’s generally not good.
These negative perceptions of ageing are hugely problematic. They can support ageist attitudes, negatively impact on relationships with older adults and cause a deep anxiety about the future. So how do we find ourselves in a position where the later chapters of our life can often feel like a foregone conclusion of deterioration and misery?
The images of ageing that are encountered on a daily basis go some way to explain. Adverts, birthday cards, health information leaflets, even road signs all provide us with clues and cues as to what growing older apparently entails.
We read news stories warning of the burden that “baby boomers” are placing on pension reforms and already stretched healthcare systems. Stereotypical images are widespread, showing the empty, haunted eyes of the Alzheimer’s patient, or the solitary, lonely figure who sits in the window gazing out wistfully. Loneliness, poverty, neglect and abuse. It’s all there. And these are real issues which need attention and resolutions.
But what’s also needed is much greater acknowledgement and awareness of the diverse ways that people can, and do, grow older. As wise, experienced and knowledgeable elders, volunteering, caring, running marathons, travelling, mentoring, creating, falling in love, pursuing new hobbies and continuing with old ones.
It’s a long list and one that reflects a shift in what can be expected from a now extended middle age (or “third age”), particularly in Western societies. As those birthday cards remind us, “60 is the new 40”.
When it comes to running marathons – and less arduous sporting goals – our research shows clearly that physical activity – walking, swimming, cycling, bowls – can have positive influences on people’s experiences of ageing. It has also shown how physically active older adults can challenge other people’s negative perceptions of ageing.
How exactly does this happen? One way is via the “shock factor”, encountered when we see or hear about the older body doing something unexpected. This is an intention of professional photographer Alex Rotas with her images of masters (or veteran) athletes.
Hildegund Buerkle, born 1934, setting a new European Record for the women’s 100m sprint in her age band, 2014.Alex Rotas
Then there is the work that veteran athletes themselves might do. Research with mature natural (drug-free) bodybuilders has demonstrated the different ways that these older adults use their hyper-muscular physiques to resist stereotypical images of frailty and deep seated ideas about age appropriate behaviour.
This sporting life
Of course, people do not need to notch up a list of completed marathons or start pumping iron to loosen the hold of negative stereotypes.
Emphasising the many different feelings of pleasure that being physically active can evoke – be it the “exhilaration” of zooming downhill on a bike, cake and coffee with fellow swimmers after a dip in the pool, or the process of documenting a favourite walk – can move discussions of older bodies within the context of physical activity, beyond the current fixation on disease and illness.
In a similar vein, we might stress how in certain physical activity settings (the culture of Parkrun being a perfect example), growing older can bring a sense of liberation. An ability to care a little less about identities developed (or indeed imposed) long ago around “not being the sporty type” and give something new a try.
Rethinking this life stage as a time where new skills, whatever they are, can be learned is helpful. It shifts the focus from loss to ideas of growth, interest, experience and wisdom.
All this is not to champion sport and physical activity – nor those who engage in it – as the cure for all real and perceived social ills that accompany growing older in the 21st century. Being physically active in older age can bring feelings of fulfilment to the lives of many who engage in its numerous forms. It can also act as a site for social change by enabling negative stereotypes of ageing to be challenged.
But to think about how sport and physical activity can impact upon perceptions and experiences of ageing, is to create and support lifelong opportunities. It is not to pursue a new template for “ageing well”, where those who don’t (or won’t) conform are less valued.
Striving for different ways of thinking about a life stage involves celebrating diversity, not replacing one damaging story with another.
Striving for different ways of thinking about a life stage involves celebrating diversity, not replacing one damaging story with another.
